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Tuesday, April 27, 2010
commitment. something all girls want. i mean, what's the point of being in a LTR when commitment is not involved? (almost) 6 years is a long time for a relationship. we're almost 24 and have been tgt since we were 18, for goodness sake! mention of commitment only came up once and that was when you were in trouble. after that, nothing. what happened to whatever was mentioned? is it only when something bad happens then you will start thinking about the future? and the reason why i opposed to getting the macbook --> not because i feel that it is a waste of money or what. it just shows the willingness to stick to what was said. what happened to starting to save money? at the rate that everything is going, do you really expect me to wait till i'm 30? sorry, but that is totally not ideal for me. i dont see the slightest willingness to start. i dont even see the first step being taken. look around us. what is happening around us? isnt it funny? the people who have dated the longest dont even have a single goal in place. if you feel that it wont happen, just tell me. then i will know what is going to happen in the future. just dont keep me hanging on to promises that are not going to be fulfilled. this will probably be the last time i am going to mention anything about this. remember, commitment. Tuesday, February 02, 2010 upset. you dont seem to get it. seems like i am the only one sacrificing myself. when i need help, none given. everything that is yours, you kan de hen zhong. whatever tht is mine, of course you dont really care. only bother abt stuff benefitting to you. what makes you so sure i have no plans on how to spend my cny money? just take it for granted tht it can be readily available to you. yet now when all i'm asking is just a small amount to tide me over for a week, straight no to my face complete with excuses. for your info i only have 2 sets of cny clothes, total cost not more than $100, including a pair of shoes. and i spend money on things that i like, why must you say tht i'm wasting money? at least what i spend on makes me happy, what i spend on are things i enjoy. i just dont get it. you dont seem to understand me at all. i dont see why you dont seem to not care. do you know my wrist hurts? i cant turn it properly, i cant carry heavy stuff. DO YOU EVEN KNOW?! apparently you dont. and you dont know what is your limit when it comes to playing. dont see me twisting your joints till the pain is so unbearable. i swear if you had twisted a little more you would have broken my wrist. it was THAT painful. apparently you're oblivious to lots of things, and i dont see why i have to keep pointing out to you. all i can say is that, i am upset. by how selfish you are, and how you only seem to care about yourself. Labels: rants Thursday, October 22, 2009 i may have gotten myself into this mess, but i'm not the only one! why does bad luck befall on me this entire year? i dont recall doing anything extremely bad to accumulate so much bad karma. fuck this, really really depressed abt everything. tht bloody place in nanyang is sucking the life out of me. i'm definitely gonna end up with some mental disorder soon. Tuesday, September 22, 2009 fucking miserable. desperately trying to claw my way out of this hellhole that i have dug for myself. fuck fuck fuck. is i honestly feel myself going insane. i really really desperately want to get out of this. fuck i really shouldnt have dug this fucking hole for myself to fall into. they're burying me alive, throwing the earth onto me and preventing me from crawling out, suffocating me and slowly but surely killing me... Wednesday, September 16, 2009 self-declared president of MILK club (sg version). according to lee teuk, MILK club (우유클럽) is the gathering of depressed souls, and also a support group for depressed people. however, MILK also stands for Made In Lovely Kin, meaning the group is formed for a lovely kinship?? sigh..never mind, dont know what i'm talking about anyway. been hit by the emo bug lately. feeling comes and goes, most of the time, i feel my heart sinking deeper and deeper. who will join me in my 우유클럽?? Wednesday, August 26, 2009 simply dont understand. why cant i have my own thoughts? if this is not force then what is force?? upset upset. dont understand why my life is like this. is this the way my life will be for the rest of my life??? one huge regret. why didnt i insist on going to UNSW!?!? why didnt i insist on korean studies?? one thing led to another. now i am stuck in this fucked up life. this isnt what i want, but i realised it too late. what can i do now? seems like only 2 choices. death or just stick with it. wonder which one i'll end up choosing? Labels: rants Wednesday, July 29, 2009 upset....really upset..... why is this happening to me?? i just dont get it........ it really upsets me....i'm feeling so so miserable now.... have not been happy ever since this started. why why why??? Tuesday, July 21, 2009 freaking freaking sick of this shit. this is the closest that i have ever come to giving up. everyday is shit after shit after shit, never ending supply of shit thrown at me. i'm so damn tired, really so close to jus ending everything once and for all. doesnt help when nobody really understands. i'm so tired....so so so so so tired...... what can i do....i cant take it anymore..... Friday, July 17, 2009 as usual, disappeared from the face of the earth. dont know what happened, dont really have the energy to care. seems like you dont really care abt me as well. i'm really tired, and not feeling good. yet, there isn't even a peep of a sound of concern frm you. why cant you take the initiative to come down to my place to find me? why is it always me who has to go all the way to the east to find you? simply dont understand. jus makes me wonder if you care abt me as much as i care abt you. Wednesday, July 15, 2009 i'm so tired mentally...cannot take it anymore.... mental breakdown #1 already occured. mental breakdown #2 is jus waiting to happen. feeling like no matter what i do is nv good enough. i just want to give up...i want to quit...i really cant take it... everyday, jus get negative comments everyday. not a single positive one. work work work never ending and non stop yet still piling higher and higher. nobody understands what i'm going through...even when i talk abt it nobody seems to care. i'm really tired. sleeping like not sleeping, subconsciously thinking of lesson plans and wake up with lesson plan on my mind. what am i going to do...i just want to fall incredibly sick so i dont have to suffer everyday. i rather suffer physically than mentally... cant take it cant take it cant take it cant take it cant take it cant take it...... mental breakdown #2 happening right now.... awaiting #3, #4, #5, #6 and so on........ Monday, July 06, 2009 i myself is on the verge of a mental breakdown. everyday fretting over a problem tht is not mine. you call yourselves friends. bull shit. friends dont do tht to friends. do you know how many people you all have implicated into this? this anger and resentment towards all of you will nv die down. too many chances given and misused. remember, i am a scorpio. i bear grudges. not giving face anymore from this moment. bitch abt me behind my back and say all you want. this is a result of your doings. my conscience has been clear since day one, i treated all of you with sincerity, yet was backstabbed time and time again. promises broken, and being treated like dirt by you all. sorry, this "friendship" is officially over. Labels: rants Saturday, June 13, 2009 leading a have-bf-but-feels-like-no-bf life. no calls or sms. smses to you not replied, calls ended abruptly. no meetings. ages since we went out tgt. past "dates" were cancelled/forgotten due to whatever reasons. simple requests not met. whatever. maybe you think i am ok with it, but i'm not. but now i dont care anymore. one putting in effort while the other doesnt is tiring. guess who's the tired one. Saturday, March 14, 2009 i'm finally feeling much better, able to watch bai fen bai today. past few days i stayed away frm tht show, too painful to watch, feeling hurt and disappointed. tell me, am i crazy to feel this way? its always in the middle of the night where you feel the most vulnerable, every small thing stabs straight to the most tender part of your heart. jus read ah beh's blog. most of the things tht she blogged abt, i feel it too. dont we all yearn for freedom frm our parents? despite being 23 this year, i still have to seek permission frm my mum to go out at night, still have to tolerate being scolded/nagged when i return home late at times. dont have the freedom of staying out whenever i want to, dont have the freedon of spending money on what i want to spend on without having to prepare myself for a nagging session. its not tht i choose to turn this way, it was everything, tht caused me to lose heart in my family. why must i care so much? i dont see the need to care so much, i feel so distanced frm everyone, its not like in the past anymore. so why everytime blame me for not doing this, not doing tht for the family? feel like my life is so meaningless. everyone will say wow you got a stable job, govt paying you to study, just study only so relax better than me working like crazy blah blah. but everyone has their own troubles in what they do right? my life is not better, studying is not better. how can studying be better when there is 30k or more weighing down on your shoulders? studying smth tht you didnt choose to study, smth tht you cant seem to excel in, yet die die must get a pass in all modules, or else be prepared to fork out 30k or more. sorry, maybe i have been spoilt all my life, getting to study in schools tht i choose for first choice and courses tht i myself choose. thts why now i feel so meaningless, studying smth tht i didnt choose. you may argue tht i chose this job myself, but i'd rather TEACH, the study smth tht i feel so un-passionate about. at the end of the day, moral learnt frm this is jus to grit my teeth and bear with it. i dont have a choice, do i? sometimes i wonder, how come i cant be sure of what i want in life? how come i have no ultimate goal in life? its so tiring to live day by day, everything jus let it run its own course, no control over what happens. maybe this is the way i choose my own life to be, nobody to blame except myself then. randomness, but its only once in awhile tht i get to rant like this on my blog. =( Labels: me, random, rants, work, xiao zhu Sunday, March 01, 2009 drink, drank, drunk. its been a long time.... rainy day = feeling emo and sleepy. countless thoughts running through my head. feel so tired, wanna slp the whole day but i have assignment to rush. i..... i dont know what i want to say anymore.... **** 好心没好报，不被重视。死了算了。 better off dead. full of fucked up shit. dont tell me abt this and tht, or even what other people. i dont care right now, cant even concentrate on my assignment. all i wanna do is curl up in bed and sleep myself to death. disappearing now. Wednesday, February 11, 2009 i miss:
hate school, hate having to wake up early. i jus wanna rot at home all day, be a 宅女 all day long. sigh. emo again? yes, i think so. edit at 3.22am: emo emo again, cant slp, slping disorder. reading her blog again after so long, emo feelings surface again. how to break this vicious cycle? i jus hope its pms. let me slp, let me slp.... Labels: random, rants, shinhwa Tuesday, November 25, 2008 i think i'm really quite suay, even my mum says so. all along, civil servants like teachers have been getting not bad bonuses, i think last year was up to 3mths bonus? jus "nice", when i join the service this year, major economic crisis resulting in financial downturn resulting in small bonus. gahhhhh! pay cut of up to 19% is expected even! WTF! dont even think they raise my pay by 19% man. really sian half man. hope the next few years wil be better. sigh. (i know the terms used in this entry are kinda ah-lianish, but really, only such words can describe my feeling now. =\) Friday, November 21, 2008 OMG!!! i cant find all my shinhwa CD casing! i only have all the CDs in a CD holder but no case! this shows tht i really need to pack my room... gahhhhhhhhhhhh. plus i cant find shinhwa 7jib, which is wedding! arghhhhhh. Labels: fangirl, rants, shinhwa Sunday, November 02, 2008 sigh. its MY birthday, why am i worrying so much? why should i care if so and so will feel weird or not? maybe i'm expecting too much by thinking tht since its MY birthday everyone should give in to me? is it too much? or am i just asking for too much by wanting to throw everyone together? this is what you get when you dont have a specific clique. this is what you get when you dont have a PERSON. i'm fucking upset. plus ah fat has been MIA for almost 3 days. pms is rearing its ugly head. i jus wanna hide at home everyday. no plans for my birthday. where are you when i need you? probably in some desert mingling with kangaroos. ='( Monday, October 20, 2008 i really wonder what am i doing with my life. i'm faltering, faltering really badly. how am i going to bear these 2 years? i'd take going back to teach anytime. give me my 3responsibility anytime! whoever said N*E was enjoyable? are you kidding me? i'm so so so sick of studying. maybe i was spoilt my whole life, studying in schools that i have chose myself, studying courses that i wanted to study. now, this jus seems like a waste of my time. everyone envies me for being paid to study. but do they know how stressful it is? how dry the modules are? how much shit work there is? will i successfully complete these 2yrs? or will i be kicked out? anyone has money to lend me in case i get kicked out and need to pay back? =( Sunday, August 31, 2008 sigh need to diet! cant stand the feeling of having clothes to wear but are unable to wear. hate the conscious feeling tht some roll/s of fat is/are hanging out when i wear smth. i need to see my bones again, i miss them. i want smaller thighs, non-existent tummy and collarbones sticking out. i dont want fat cheeks anymore. and definitely weight to reach 42kg. but! i keep feeling hungry, i feel hungry all the time. i cant stop eating, esp all the yummy yummy food. i will cut down on rice. i will go back to my muesli bar eating. i will stop drinking soft drinks. i will minimise supper and fast food. I MUST HAVE THE MOTIVATION/JUE XIN! and i hope tht this will help me save money. i have no idea where all my money has flown to. fuck. Labels: rants |
 korean born into a singaporean body. loves pink, stars and all things korean. --- ♥ driving license ♥ LV Neverfull MM Designer : ThePoisonkiss. Basecode : Chili. x o x o |
